Let me tell you an account of a detailed buddy of my own called furious Vagina. One intimately disappointed time, she chooses to join a mobile matchmaking application against the woman better wisdom. Dared to participate in by a Penis Custodian friend of hers (technically perhaps not bangable caused by “nobody’s fucking company”) she is struggling to resist the process so starts herself generally and blissfully to your possibilities.

Hence we begin all of our tale regarding the legendary Angry V as she downloads the application onto Rose-Goldie the new iphone 4, inserting the woman 6 greatest photographs including a superstar headlining image as presented below.

Given limited space to articulate the woman success, this woman is then compelled to condense the woman unbelievable biography into a number of boner-inducing lines and finishes the woman profile perfectly. And just like miraculous, mushroom-head proprietors ready for inspection straight away show up on the woman feed.

Per online dating application policies, Angry Vagina must swipe remaining if a specimen tends to make the girl dry as an article of sandpaper or otherwise disgusts their. As an alternative she must swipe right if she really wants to fool around with the fresh new shaft at issue.

Below we do have the advantage of watching the woman stream-of-consciousness as she sifts through the increase of moping scarecrows with her new iphone.

Would I bang that guy? No.

(Swipes remaining)


Would I bang that guy? No.

(Swipes remaining)


Would we bang that guy? No.

(Swipes left)

Would I bang that guy? Possibly. Umm.

Remembering the significant fairy stories of her childhood, Angry Vagina instantly seems accountable if you are therefore low and lends a lot more soul to the woman “swipage” as she goes on the woman seek out Prince Charming.

Behold! Me is new princess nameth “Might-As-Well-Be-Sleeping Beauty”. We hath spoken.

(Angry V hence reinvents the fairytale dating story, but now in the style of

Rapunzel

. Armed with boner instead of sword, Prince slays poverty dragon in order to buy expensive iphone 3gs. He now climbs enchanted line of cyber pubic tresses, ascends dating-app tower. At climax of tower, resentful V shoves him down dating-app-profile balcony in Disney singsong voice . . .)

Quick guy near small puppy. Pretends getting tall.

(Swipes remaining)

Bicycle guy enjoys spandex. Testicle maybe not large enough. Kindly mount bike in place of girl.

(Swipes kept)

Wealth placed in profile. Congratulations! Buy thyself plastic vagina.

(Swipes kept)

Too-young. Like teen. Premature spooge likely.

(Swipes kept.)

Why thus bald constantly?

(Swipes left)

“Entrepreneur”. No unemployed guys permitted.

(Swipes left)

Cat hater?!

(Swipes remaining, punches phone-in face, inserts profile picture of one-true-love “Kitteh”.)

(Continuing as though hooked.)

Software professional pretending becoming interesting rockstar. ::Cackles::

(Swipes left)

Sweet abs. Stay away from butterface during bang sesh? Meh.

(Swipes left)

An excessive amount of mustache. Facial woodland outcompete old progress woodland of mad Vagina.

(Swipes left)

Gym selfies only? Exactly how ’bout knob pushups.

(Swipes remaining)

Oooooh! Someone is hat lover. Should be covering bald area.

(Swipes remaining)

Your home is WHERE? Or is that where you park your car or truck . . .

(Swipes left)



Wow you prefer recreations? Fascinating. Among sort. Time for you erase internet dating application to get married.

(Swipes left)



You like to SEXT? Where is middle finger emoji . . .

(Swipes left)

Reveals himself in photograph close to sexier man. Dumbass.

(Swipes kept)

Claims to be committed but is an individual teacher.

(Swipes kept)

Children? Lady boner lifeless.

(Swipes kept)

Listed as “director” on profile. Of just what? Furious Vagina’s irritation?

(Swipes left)

No profile details. Hail to one photo of acne-prone epidermis. I’d like to go ahead and throw legs available for you today.

(Swipes remaining)

Proud vegan with photograph of alive cucumber. Penis most likely shriveled and starving for healthy protein. I’ll simply take Mr. Cucumber.

(Swipes left)

Whaaaat. Now they are offering me females. Swiping remaining too quickly?

(Swipes kept more slowly)

(Angry Vagina requires split to contact companion “Nongay partner” for nostalgic terms via text.)

“Nongay Wife, i will be top the selected individuals (otherwise referred to as Kitteh) through desert like Moses. Searching to locate water or Penis Custodian. I actually do not determine if i am going to survive. Please deliver help.”

(Waits for reply and goes on quest.)

Oh no! Swiped correct accidentally! Fuuuuuck! Undo? Undo? No? Prohibited? Fuuuuuck. Hate that unattractive man thinks he or she is appreciated. Fuuuuuck.

(brand new motivation.)

Left-swipage is slowly destroying character. Must use self-swipage for treating . . .

(furious Vagina takes impromptu break. Wasn’t ready to come back to penis wasteland anyway.)

(Short while afterwards, back on phone software like laboratory animal.)

Trump promoter. Method of precious. Cannot. Let. Him. Reproduce!

(Swipes left)

Nipples pointier than my own.

(Swipes kept)

President of anything? What amount of unemployed guys are there?

(Swipes kept)



Yes! Long hair great. Lady-boner claims hi.

(Swipes right)

Hair too much time. Homeless guy.

(Swipes left)



College student. Impoverishment dangerous to ladyboner. . . must swipe before far too late . . .

(Swipes left)

Seems 8 several months pregnant with Budweiser.

(Swipes kept)

Cluster shot with females! Trying to encourage me they like you.

(Swipes kept)

Self-employed hot guy. Will not bang you in parents’ cellar.

(Swipes remaining)



Countless razor-sharp teeth. May possibly have pointy penis. Like carrot with foreskin. Terrifying.

(Swipes kept)

Sure each photo on your profile is various guy. Enraged Vagina is confused.

(Swipes remaining)

Weird smiley face. Looks too delighted. Probably serial killer.

(Swipes left)

Hot man fantastic human body. Boring character and task. Swipe remaining, Angry V, swipe l . . .

(Swipes right)

Over 40 never ever married. Lonely self-centered guy. 50-50 if great in sack. Meh.

(Swipes left)

Thank you so much for revealing level. I’m sure every little thing i must know. Bless you.

(Swipes kept)

Oh no! Mobile dying! Must swipe remaining! Should. Reject. More. Mushroom-head-

And just like that, Angry Vagina must call it quits for the day until a cell phone charger can be purchased. Just for now.

In theory, the forced recovery time enables new shaft leads the opportunity to swipe close to her profile now, suggesting their own delusional hope of banging their. The majority of won’t matter. Nevertheless when her very own plumped for “right-swipes” get back the favor, otherwise known as the “mutual match”, the story thickens.

Patience, Furious V, Patience.



Becoming proceeded . . .